My Zach...

One week ago today I was told that I was never going to be able to see you again, to laugh with you or to hug you...all these things I miss tremendously.
I was asked to speak at your service and I declined, only because I know I would never make it through (and nobody needs to witness that). Also because I don't know how I feel about sharing how special you are with a bunch of strangers...I have decided that maybe I could write something, and our beautiful friend Kim (who I would never have known if it weren't for you) offered to read for me. Now I am at a loss...I am having a hard time with what to say. There are too many emotions right now, so I thought if I "said" some of them here and get them out of the way, maybe I could write something great.I am mad...at you for letting this disease get the better of you, for the people at your work and in your every day life that never did anything, and mostly at myself for being naive and pushing aside the obvious and not stepping in to do something. I noticed a change...but I let you slip away from me over the last several years without even trying to fix it. I know, I know, everyone says it's not my fault (or any ones for that matter) but I will feel this way forever because now I don't have you.

I am devastated...I look at our pictures and I wonder how this happened, and it is hard for me to imagine that I will never get to have those wonderful moments with you again, laughing so hard we can't breath (usually at something stupid I have done) I had plans for me and you...we were supposed to tell all our stories to our kids, and how they should never be that way ;) We were supposed to get old and take our families to Moab together, and sit around all day by the camper and reminisce. You were supposed to be there for all of it...

I love you so much Zach, and I miss you...every day